within vacuity within

change of heart

2008-10-17T05:32:00.003+08:00

it's troubling me, but i feels good... so light and vindicating... still it's strange...
this is just a semi-hiatus... i'll update real soon...

i knew it... money really won't make me happy... so i decided to close my little shop after all the pending orders are finished... much to my sister's disappointment... lols, she won't be getting free shipping anymore :) (she'll whack me when she sees that smiley)

on a topic not so off-tangent, i wonder how do rich people stand that much moolah... and, look at some of them, can't even recall having someone to call a "best friend" in their childhood... now, they sneak up other people's lives and thinks that they know too well to be hurt when left out... c'mon, no one owns anyone... did it ever cross their mind that this kind of friendship is more of a self-assurance that they won't be lonely anymore?

off to finish the revision on david henry hwang's article... darn it, these kids should really have an intensive workshop... they're enjoying their sembreak while we (editorial board) are re-writing their works... give me a break... i'm supposed to just tick off errors, let you do revisions while i slurp on my butter sansrival... i'm done with my times like these (at least in college)... *wails*

wee! another Arashi happiness!

2008-04-20T09:33:00.001+08:00

i'm getting addicted to online purchasing... after my items were shipped from Singapore, i received a confirmation last april 14 that my parcel from Japan had been shipped... i was expecting to have it on the 21st since the dvd's release was on the 16th... but i was surprised to receive an sms from my sister last wednesday saying that a postal notice was sent to me regarding a parcel that i should claim in 30 days... the next day, i frantically went to our local post office and took my parcel... i was laughing to myself like a maniac, guffawing like i found something incredibly rare amidst a public area... ~~then i ordered another stuff from Japan, a Hana Yori Dango booklet... i saw the ad just this afternoon while writing my article when in two minutes i placed my order already, lols...~~ *cancelled, too trifling despite affordability, must save for the 'Stormy' seasons ne*... i am turning into this online-purchasing monster...

ssssssssshhhhhhhhh!!! my parents know i buy through the net, what they don't know is the insane frequency...

the screenshots from my Arashi Kotoba no Chikara (Power of Words) dvd are too many to post in my blog so here's my multiply photo widget... too many motion disturbances, gomen ne? i can't afford to scratch my dvd by play-pause-play-pause-nth times just to capture hi-res images...

MY Arashi day!!!

2008-04-02T07:47:00.001+08:00

while my classmates are nearing the half of their ojt hours, i spend my days watching dusts gather in our house and waiting for mr. postman to arrive with my parcel... out of doubt and paranoia, i rushed to the central post office in manila last march 25 to check if it has arrived and they're holding it for custom reasons or they found my cds rather interesting and decided to keep it for themselves... i'm that suspicious... i had another of my transaction paid through a certain money transfer since i do not have and ~~do not intend to have a Paypal account~~ *ok, i've gagged myself again with my words and i'm applying for one soon*... that too, i was anxious whether they will send it or not... i was pestering the old woman in the window if their money transfer can be tracked, how long will it take for the people in Japan to receive the money, etc... she casted me a disapproving look and i shoved myself to one corner where i checked and arranged my things after ~~being harangued~~ haranguing the old lady... and so, i went home downhearted...

come today and i finally have in my hands the two Arashi cds i have been waiting for: 'Time' Limited Edition Japan First Press Version, and 'Step and Go' Limited Edition Japan First Press Version: i can't help but stare at them, when all those days i was just downloading ripped copies of their songs and now i finally have my original copies...

still, i was not able to savor the happiness completely since i am still worried of my grades... then i checked my email and lazily opened each message... i thought it was another of the promotional emails that website sent me... when i read through it i was sooo happy that my payment finally and safely reached the company... my sister had to calm me down because my first order with them, which was a limited edition calendar, was cancelled as pathetic fan girls were able to place their orders first... *sobs* now i'll have to wait for the 16th for the concert dvd to be released and shipped, and for the 21st for it to bask in my loving hands...

P.S. i survived ma'am rivera's and sir padilla's subjects... 4th year hell year awaits me... in the meantime i have to have my ojt...

and then what?

2008-03-30T13:52:00.001+08:00

it took man a million lives to be wasted before he finally takes action... too preoccupied with stock market, power-grabbing, talentless talent searches, anti-aging-whitening-rejuvenating creams and shits, and needless flaunting of surgically-repaired-used-to-be-hopeless horseface (the times are yielding too many 'beauties' that you no longer know who was born with it, or born with the money to buy it, or borne as much moolah-producing jobs as they can to have the money to buy it)...

and he came up with the "Earth Hour"... okay, so there's an action already, but how often do we need to dine in candlelight just to compensate for the greenhouse gas emissions and other earth carnage that those bigwig boors can't seem to resist? then there are people who began jumping into the bandwagon of 'caring for the mother earth' while yanking money with their 'earth-friendly' products, that you can actually do away with and still do your part in saving our home... with the exposure provided by some people in the media (who are NOT supposed to be there anyway, i.e. just because he/she is whoever he/she is, or they know this and that and he/she is connected with who and who)... eventually, the poor (not entirely in the financial aspect) unscrutinizing viewers simply nod their rationality away and buy those stuffs... why buy a new 'earth-friendly' something when there are so many more and simpler and cheaper means to save the earth? try planting in your backyard, or take care of the existing ones, refuse the plastic bag offered to you by the manong when you only bought one item, i.e. one ricecapade :p, don't forget to give him a good sermon on reducing the use of plastic for the following customers (you may look quite stupid babbling there but it's worth the try)... make a campaign of your own, share your insights with friends and encourage them... you don't have to don something 'green-y' to show your concern... and puh-leeese!!! enough of the tag "green is the new black"... can't we do something just for the heck of it? is there a dire need to fashion-ize everything just to get everyone involved? isn't the thought of robbing the earth of its life a reason already to check our ways? we cannot and do not have the right to disown the earth of anything, bear that in mind... how dare we plunder it to exhaustion when in the beginning, man was a solitary being that the earth gave shelter to?

die... if we must die at this moment because of our earth carnage, then so be it... humanity comes to an end if man cannot be humane enough for the earth... so much with people crying over 'innocent' victims of catastrophes... get over it, we no longer are the victims... and death starts in rice crisis...

'gay' tendencies

2008-03-29T06:35:00.001+08:00

and then there's HANA KIMI --- insert Otsuka Ai's "Peach" in the background (japan version of course... being first to do the production doesn't make the Taiwan version the 'original') without a fail, i'm here squeaking the fan-girl squeak: kyaaaaa!!!! compared to joycee, i'm such a slowpoke at dorama watching... i think she can round up three doramas in two days when i can only finish an entire series given the same time span :(... i love ikuta toma in this dorama, his hair, his smile, his acting, definitely different from that sucker role he played in Hana Yori Dango... Nakatsu and Mizuki should have ended together (not that my hormones are going low on oguri shun, i still drool for him, you know) and the entire gakuen cast is just hilarious, crazy at that. they're a bunch of 'hotties' who attend school just to flex their muscles and win the hearts of girls... they have every matsuri (festival) you could imagine... them goofing around shoots my blood pressure up, i can't stop laughing and many a time i really fell from my chair... can you see the subtitle "Hotties are Japan's assets"? hontou ni, hontou ni! which includes the scene where there is a group of obasan and ojisan huddled in front of an Osaka Gakuen student who's screaming that to solicit funds for their 'closing' school... the old people are then focused on by the camera and wonder, "what are hotties?" with a wrinkled nonplussed look on their face... and then nanba-senpai's approach to things reminds me of kuya tope, a senpai in the college publication...

which makes me crave for these: (sorry to the owner of these pictures, i was not able to jot down your url, but i believe your name is kate... i'm borrowing this)... i REALLY WANT these!!! (gah, i'm becoming worldly again... these are limited editions, and anyone who is kindhearted enough to give me these on my birthday will be magnanimously blessed in the afterlife... :)

i didn't see this coming

2008-03-17T05:13:00.001+08:00

isang biyernes habang nakatungo ako sa klase ng retorika, nagtanong si sir eros kung sino na ang mga nagpasa ng kanilang mga gawa para sa 9th UST-CCWS National Writers Workshop... tinanong niya ako... sabi ko hindi po ako magpapasa at wala akong maipapasa... deadline, february 29... noong wednesday pagkatapos maghintay sa wala ng klase namin, palabas na kami nila worm at iris ng AB building nang makita ko sa malayo si sir... binagalan ko ang lakad at pasimpleng gumilid sa board ng play nila karlie, binasa ito at naghintay na makalayo si sir... lumabas na kami nang napalingon ako sa likod... si sir kumakaway, tinatawag ako... "halika dito, o, nagpasa ka na? deadline sa march 15 na..." ako: "e sir di po kasi ako sasali..." si sir habang naglalakad papasok ng building: "magpasa ka... wag kang magpapakita sa akin sa isang taon pag di ka sumali..." ako: "e sir, di nga po kasi... (habang pinagmamasdan nila manong guard)" kahapon habang nakatayo ako sa harap ng klase dahil ako na ang magbabasa ng dagli ko para sa retorika finals, nagtanong uli si sir, una si roman, si joy, at si joseinne... tapos kausap sa akin: "o ikaw, kelan ka magpapasa? dalhin mo sa lunes, pwede pa hanggang lunes, o kaya sa tuesday ng umaga, sa hapon kami magde-deliberate..." ako: "sir, kasi... (napilitang tumango)"

naalala ko nung unang beses ko naging professor si sir atalia... manghang-mangha ako sa likot ng isip niya... kaya naman na-motivate ako na sumali sa 2006 USTetika... nasa panahon pa ako noon na gusto kong magkaroon ng 'mentor' at isa lang iyon kanila sir esguerra at sir atalia... pero dahil wala pa akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko, nahihiya akong lumapit sa kanila, strike a casual conversation on writing, etc... ayos na ako na namamangha sa naiisip nila, di naman talaga siguro kailangan na malaman nila na ganito ang paghanga ko sa kakayahan nila... 3rd year, nag-fade dahil na rin siguro naisip ko na hindi talaga isa sa kanila ang mag-g-guide sa akin sa pagsusulat... wala na yung fangirl-like attitude ko toward them... pero hindi pa rin mawawala ang matinding respeto ko sa kanila... sobrang na-wirduhan at natuwa nga ako nung nakita ko yung invitation sa Shelfari galing kay sir eros e... ngayon na parang siya na rin ang nagbibigay ng daan sa lalo ko pang pagkatuto, nahihiya ako na tumanggi... pero ni minsan kasi hindi ko pinangarap o naisipang sumali sa mga workshop... sinabi na rin kasi niya dati na kung hindi rin lang talaga makakasama sa Baguio, wag na lang magsubmit kasi sayang ang slot kung sakaling mapili... pero sa halos sunud-sunod na pagbibigay ni sir ng pagkakataon sa akin (sa amin) na makapagpasa, puro hindi ang sinasagot ko... sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, huwag kang magpapilit kung ayaw mo talaga... 90% ko ayaw talaga, pero dahil na rin sa naidulot na impluwensya ni sir sa akin (kahit hindi niya alam), may 10% na nagsasabing gagawa ako at magpapasa bukas... kaso eto talaga ang pangako ko sa sarili ko: magwo-workshop lang ako para matuto ng poetry, kaya poetry ang ipapasa ko, na hindi forte ng teacher na maaaring makahila sa akin sa national writers worskhop...

chikusho!!!

2008-03-11T13:36:00.001+08:00

i love being human (every bit of its randomness)! it's such a pleasure to experience pain... i just found it amusing, curiously amusing, to be amused with other kind sort of name other than your own... hearing or seeing some other kind of syllabary of names other than the demure-sounding, colonially-rooted names you lived with the entirety of your life... now at least i have a reason to love nihonjins and all the other race for that matter...

had i had Vash Stampede's silver six-shooter i would have blasted that git's brains to bits... he deliberately threw a large chunk of garbage out of the jeepney and he must pay with the price of his futile life...

i felt the rush of freedom as i plodded the stinking pavement oustide Isetan Recto... i was on my way to the fx terminal when i felt i was happy again... not that the stench was a desirable odor, only the decision i made should not have been hampered in months... i can't help being happy... now i'll just have to figure out how to break their hearts (kung talagang pinagkatiwalaan nila ang kakayahan ko at madi-disappoint nga sila)... whatsoever the outcome (or their reaction) may be, i would not bother to exert a muscle to re-consider things... i cannot really stay fettered by imposed, ego-centric beliefs that clearly clash with my own self-centeredness...

*in retrospect*

i should have considered his smile that night as something poisonously maleficent... he was never really happy about the feat, he was envious... i saw every green bile contouring the lines of his face... every remark was made in reverse psychology... i knew that smile is supposed to sting me for i never (or they never considered that i) belonged in their circle... never did i want nor dreamt nor drooled about associating myself... i attained the things i have even before i knew of their existence and i will continue to attain more even without knowing of their existence... admittedly though, i admire three praise-worthy beings in their circle...

i am a breathing corpse

2008-03-03T15:32:00.001+08:00

have you ever felt so hollow, live each day as blandly as yesterday? you just let your feet drag your weightlessness and spend another 24-hours faking smiles and talking with various people who barely have the the interest to know what's going on inside you? that they perceive you as someone incapable of or has no right to feel the way you are feeling right now? then they'll ask you, "what's wrong?" as if they really are concerned, and in seconds they'll laugh away with their own lives... you float aimlessly, like being hung by the neck with your head drooping to your chest, yet you can't seem to go anywhere becuase there's this heavy, solid ground that pulls you down... you breathe that dark, heavy mist of everyday hypocrisy... people expect you to be this to do that but they're all just a bunch shits who put on airs of superiority, as if their existence could do the earth, or humanity for that matter, much favor... laughter isn't always a sign of vibrance for life... sometimes it's a deathmask, suffocating a breathing corpse until it fits perfectly to conceal the rotting flesh of someone whose dreams (and delightful nightmares) are finally over...

wonder if there's such a 'devil'

2008-02-23T05:39:00.001+08:00

because i lead a very boring life (see there's not much of importance in my blog, if ever there is, i'd be too lazy to type), i finished the Taiwanese drama "Devil Beside You" in two days... overall, it gave me that tingly feeling of being in love but if one is keen enough, it is noticeable that the acting is exaggerated... rainie yang trying to make a cute pout that turns out to be completely brow-raising... mike he stretching the limits of his handsome face to evoke a devilish smile (that melts my heart though)... even the plot is way too predictable: girl hates guy and likes another of the gentle specimen, hated guy pursues girl, girl dumps guy of the gentle specimen because hated guy gave girl that soul-sucking kiss, girl and hated guy goes out together but there are just too many obstacles (like an old flame, an admirer from afar, an old fart of a grandmaother who arranges her grandson's marriage to a naive weakling daughter of another business tycoon, and a totally pointless we're-soon-to-be-siblings dilemma of girl and guy that can simply be resolved by the fact that they are not blood-related)... oh, and i forgot to mention that age-old quandary of the hearts when one of them decides to go abroad... then they will make out to resolve the feelings of uncertainty, the you're-mine-i'm-yours because we had each other's body already... and after a year or two the emigrant will definitely return no matter what... the last episode is never amiss of that delicate kiss in the middle of somewhere that eventually evolves into the tongue-sucking version till scene fades to black...
then again i LOVE that devilish smile of mike he i had to relent finishing the series >;d ... screen/caps (insert theodore's intonation of "breath/check!")!!!

Ah Meng to Qi Yue before going to Italy: Wrong. We would definitely meet. We were born destined to meet. Even without our parents we still would have met. Maybe it would have been at a manga rental store. We rented the same manga set, so we met. Or… at Qing Zi’s part-time job. You’d clumsily spill soda on me. So I’d be unlucky enough to know you. Or it might have been at a movie theater, your seat being next to mine. You fell asleep and drooled on me. Totally grossing me out. In this world, in any possible corner, we would meet. Because I would find you.

topsy-turvy

2008-01-28T06:57:00.001+08:00

my friday professors have developed a penchant for embarrassing me... since i'm passive and barely voice out my violent retorts, i end up smiling vaguely, the kind that makes you think it's okay for me... morning, worm and i were scampering from asturias to our classroom because we're going to be late for retorika... i tend to get late when i have to type a paper for submission... sir eros discussed about love, and after playing some of his friend gary granada's songs of love, he told us to form a group and share our insights and experiences on love... he was roaming baout when he went near our circle and 'eavesdropped'... i looked up and saw him grinning... "di ka maka-relate no?" this was because he opened a conversation months ago regarding my Japanese boys :D and found out that i never had a boyfriend yet... i wanted to tell him that "i definitely can, the emotion does not call for a partner to be realized and i will not force myself into having one just to find revelry in love..." and i have an almost perfect insight on love so i'm not in a haste to finally stop playing hide-and-seek with (okaaay, cheesy) my mr. right... honestly, the obsession of admiring and going giddy over someone was a thing of the past... i no longer feel the sudden gush of heat all over my system when i see or talk about someone, like i did in high school... no one (since Dan and okaay, Janus) has ever got my attention that much to put me in a trance and aspire for the heavens and more... i built my dreams on them you see... and during the past meetings, he'd always allude to me the boys whom i think he dislikes so much, boys who look like girls or have gay tendencies... he'd describe them and turn to my direction, "di ba kaye?" with an amused simper lurking beneath his moustache and beard...

then there's sir opiniano who possesses a pair of widely-open, looming eyes that bores into your skin when he stares at you... it's not that he intends something malicious or what, but he just stares like that... he'd always refer to me when he discusses something about writing and he'd scan me for seconds in anticipation of a reaction... i'd beam an insipid smile and look away... just this friday, he checked the attendance and stopped again at my name... "Pulumbarit, o yung idol mo nasa San Francisco..." which made me think, "sino ba ang idol ko na alam ni sir e di naman ako nagkukwento sa kanya?" later on, he went to our group to check on our thesis... as he approached he again stared at me and said, "ms. esguerra, fellow sa University of San Francisco idol mo..." then i understood who he was referring to as my idol, sir christian esguerra... true, i have high regards for sir esguerra but calling me in his surname is uncomfortable... first, sir esguerra has a fiancee, anything within and beyond that is out of my business... second, i do not see sir esguerra as anything more than an admirable professor... lastly, there's a bunch of fangirls out there who may take the address negatively...

re-assessing my life of letters

2008-01-23T16:08:00.001+08:00

i absented from school today... a great part was because it's "worstday-wednesday" again... i'll have to sulk in my seat for six hours without practically learning anything... another was because i need to reconsider the way my life is turning out these days... i think that RLA just caused me much bedlam that i no longer know what i am doing...

i want that old, snooty kaye back... that girl who keeps vast, countless, indescribable dreams to herself and giggles when she recalls those... those dreams, silly and salient at the same time, that pump oxygen into her lungs, and make her function no matter what... i never considered writing when i was a kid and i do not know where it's taking me now... i am beleaguered by the attention and the expectations... i haven't started with my katha for the retorika prelims yet (due this friday) although i am entitled to an exemption because of the unexpected stint in USTetika... yes, it's not out of sheer arrogance and drama, but i am ignoring that privilege and submitting a katha instead... it's just that i really was annoyed by the way things happened... i don't what to seem so thirsty for an exemption by constantly asking, but i don't want to spend my time thinking over something that i can choose not to do in the first place... so i asked, again... just for clarity... and the professor's tone, "pwede kang hindi magpasa ibasta bigay mo sa akin yung kopya ng pinanalo mo" matched with his head angled in profile and his eyes away from me, i felt like he was delighting in my 'insistence' for that impunity...

another issue that's harassing my mind are kuya jl's 'invitation' for me to join the Thomasian Writer's Guild and it's really causing me anxieties since i don't consider my RLA a valid pass... and his 'revelation' that they are considering me for the editor-in-chief post of The Flame (either he or kuya tope told me that i was originally to take the features editor post, and i think due to that 'cosmic phenomenon' i got a double promotion)...

to think that considerably great young Thomasian writers handled the position better than i could imagine myself doing it... and there may be several internal conflicts since i only became a staff member last July 2007... i think the incumbent ed board should consider jaycee and joseinne and i definitely will be glad to take the backseat... of course it's so hypocrite of me to say that i don't want the position, i just deem it necessary to set personal lusts aside and mull over the future of such an established publication... knowing myself, i must feel the rush of excitement to know that what i am deciding upon is right... i should be grinning to myself when i had these news... on the contrary, i felt sullen and broken... what have i done to be suffering these? why do i have to be so bland and be halting at unexpected bumps when other writers and writer-wannabes tread on smoothly? see even my simple blog narration has gone rutted...

i want my coffee prince!

2008-01-09T13:35:00.001+08:00

kyaaaaaaa!!! i LOVE the Korean drama "The 1st Shop of Coffee Prince"... it has been a long time since i last (Bi and Song Hye Kyo's "Full House") squeaked about a k-drama... i withheld my tears the entire time i was watching the series but when i reviewed a fan-made video of the song, i couldn't stop crying... i finished Coffee Prince in four nights, and i can totally relate with Go Eun Chan (not that i'm boy-looking or too tomboyish)... i fell in love with the background song (A White Love Story, my blog's background music) when Choi Han Kyul, although hesitating because he thinks that Eun Chan is a boy, asks her to hug him for the first time... he's been really tortured thinking that he has fallen for somebody of the same gender, that he being a gigolo and non-believer of love actually goes crazy over a 'boy'... ahh, beautiful boys with gay tendencies make my heart flutter *swoons then faints, drool dribbling to the floor fantasized as Gong Yoo's finely-chiseled bahhh-deh*... :D

errr...

2007-12-25T09:20:00.001+08:00

i was searching for something when i chanced upon these accounts (removed their names and photos)... dunno, wakomasabe sa kanila...

i need to scream!

2007-12-20T14:18:00.001+08:00

i should be in Paskuhan today but i decided to let the sloths get better of me... for a more excusable reason, my sister was early from school so i opted not to go since she'd be home alone...

i really, really want to sit on the soccer field and smell the sweet soil and bask under starlights, then scream to the world, "t*e!!! RLA ako! RLA ako!" because until now i can't bring myself into believing that i actually won that award this year, when expectations were low, and i had it through the piece i didn't wager on... the RLA that i was lusting for but not expecting to have this year... the RLA that won't save me from another four (or less) points out of 10 in ma'am rivera's weekly critique papers... howbeit i'm totally happy!!! still, it won't sink in... ~_~

by the way, my Harry Potter Box Set is finally here! and ~~i am so wily~~ tito willy was so generous to cancel my payment for it, yay!

mad, confused, happy

2007-12-16T15:53:00.001+08:00

there goes that constipation again... but this time karl had the worse tummy shivers...

at 6:00pm mom and i were in the University already, looking for a jittery karlie who had been haunting UST for hours... we were reluctant to go to the Quadricentennial Park for the night's registration, since we are embarrassed by the presence of renowned writers, sitting and chatting like gods and we were mortals who would die by the mere sight of them... and karlie was 'hiding' from his best friend since joseinne did not know that he joined... choosing the table where people are least likely to notice us, we sat nervously as we wait for the program to start...

this year's awarding ceremony went nice and smoothly, unlike in 2006 (22nd Gawad USTetika) where technical and program problems were abundant...

a different kind of constipation bothered me since i have three classmates in the Varsitarian, which means they know whether i should or should not be there... and that includes roman who was one of the night's hosts... after the AVP and Parangal Hagbong, they kicked off with the awarding proper, first in the fiction category... the freezing uneasiness crept from my feet until it conquered other surfacing emotions... i was just muttering "wag muna sa honorable mention..." thankful though not very happy about it, i landed on the 3rd Place for my piece "A Wish on Three Decembers"... there were two honorable mentions, and karlie clinched the second place, then someone had the first... next came the essay category when my mind went blank... they announced that there were only two winners, a third and a second... i wasn't able to think anymore, as if a minute's concentration could put my name on the list... and it declared a casualty on my part... then came poetry, this time was karlie's casualty... we were chatting about how the medal weighed while they were announcing the katha and tula category... then came the infamous sanaysay category... karlie said, "o ayan na yung isa mo pa..." i replied, "wala, di naman ako umaasa diyan, kita mo nga yung essay wala na..." whoever that was, he announced my piece's title with much emotion, "at ang nagkamit ng Sanaysayista ng Taon ay ang 'Sasampalin Kita ng Flip-flops E! ni Khristine Joy E. Pulumbarit ng 3 Journalism 2..." i stood feeling weird, that it won the 1st place, that i was the Sanaysayista ng Taon when the pieces i've been more vying for either placed 3rd or lost... when i went back to our seat, the hosts were explaining what the Rector's Literary Award is (for those who do not know, i clipped this from the Varsitarian page: 'To further inspire the University's budding writers, the Rector's Literary Award was restored in 1991. It has since been given to the individual who has not only won first place in an Ustetika category and whose winning work best exemplifies the Catholic and humanistic vision of redemption...'), i started arranging the plaques, trophy, and books that i received when that guy who announced my sanaysay looked in the direction of our table and said, "and our 23rd Gawad USTetika Rector's Literary Awardee is Khristine Joy E. Pulumbarit for her piece 'Sasampalin Kita ng Flip-flops E!'" i went, "what?" with a confused laugh as i strode toward the stage... as i went near the stage, roman (that classmate of mine who i had been suspecting to be the 'greatest fan of my life' because of the weird things that he say and do) announced, "umm, she's a classmate of mine in 3 journ 2..." with me on the stage were myla bantog, richard lim (USTetika Chairpersons), sir zulueta, and sir salvosa, who curiously boasted, "estudyante ko yan..." c'mon, i never knew he knew me, nor any of his not-so-bibo students in his class...

"the sir salvosa first-day-of-class" anecdote:

sir salvosa: introduce yourself and tell me why you're here in journalism

(after some of my classmates went on with their things, my turn)

me: i am still making myself believe that my writing can take me to places

sir salvosa: well, (a five-second pause, thinking unsatisfied and unconvinced) that is, if you're good enough

then they called me for a speech (which, i had actually been practicing during my idle times after i have submitted my entries, fantasizing what would i say or who would i thank if i really receive that award)... then i went back feeling stupid and elated at the same time... it never came to me that this piece i did last of the three, i huddled against time partly for the sake of having a Filipino entry to submit, i had been struggling to be signed by a Filipino teacher who kept on suggesting tips (that i ignored) like i was an elementary student, could win me the RLA... they could just have left the RLA blank if none of the 1st placers should receive the recognition, i remember it happened in 2004... and with the title, i surmise some writers would raise an eyebrow, "wonder why it won"...

23rd Gawad USTetika Rector's Literary Award *hmm, sir zulueta doesn't seem happy. i'm happy though*

after the awarding was dinner, where sir eros came to our table and congratulated karlie and i... while in the queue for dinner, kuya jl and ate camille (the RLA in 2005) congratulated me as well... since karl had his plate full, mom and i finished eating first, that's when i noticed from my peripheral view that roman and paul (a former classmate of ours) where pointing at our place... i sensed them approaching and when they did, roman started talking of words i cannot entirely recall, all that registered was him talking to my mom, "ang galing-galing po ng anak niyo"... then i looked in front of the table where paul was, signaling at the camera and saying, "pa-picture daw siya kasama ka"... in my mind i went, "what the? ano problema nito?" since my mom was around and i'm not in the wicked mood, i consented the 'photo-op'... with karlie and mom of course (dunno if paul had them in the frame though)... i went home feeling quirky... i woke up the next day immediately texting karl if we really won... he replied, "oo, suot ko pa nga yung medal pagka-gising ko e"...

this should not go as a separate entry

December 17, 2007

ma'am rivera was not around so worm and i chatted about the saturday events of our lives - her dinner with jonathan and my ustetika experience... when i saw (again in my trusty and nosy peripheral view) that roman was heading toward our direction... he put his bag on the chair in front of us and let out a small notebook and a signpen... he approached me and with the open notebook he said, "pirma ka naman dito"... again, another "what the?" in my mind... i told him, "anong kalokohan to?" he handed me the notebook and pen, pointing at the signatures of Butch Dalisay, Efren, Abueg, Eros Atalia, among others... i was reluctant, maybe he was playing tricks on me... but i figured that if he is actually playing tricks on me, might as well make him believe i was into the trap... and i shouldn't be signing where the gods made their imprint...

i signed nonetheless... omg! my first fan-autograph *wicked laughter* and he was not contented... i really do not know his motives, if he was telling the truth or trying to make a fool out of me... he messaged me through YM telling stories which i ought not to believe...

running at random

2007-12-15T15:49:00.001+08:00

people get weird as days go by...

nag-aabang ako ng project 6 na jeep sa may espana kasi pauwi na ako nung isang friday (di ko maalala exact date)... naka-civilian ako kasi mahirap umuwi na may sandamakmak na gamit habang naka-uniform... matapos akong harangan ng isang pesteng emo na lalaki sa pwestong pinag-aabangan ko, nakasakay na rin ng jeep... nagbayad ako ng 10 pesos papuntang SM North... sabi ng mama 12 daw... sabi ko estudyante po (totoo naman e, pakita ko pa id ko)... at si mama nagbububulong at nagrereklamo... harurot ang puno niyang jeep nang may pumarang babae... gawa ka ng V shape sa dalawa mong kamay, ganoon na lang kalaki yung space sa kabila pero pinilit pa ni manong na kasya pa daw yung babae doon... sabi ko sa sarili ko, "ayos pala si manong e, para lang ma-compensate yung nawalang 2 pesos sa kanya pinahirapan yung babae..." maya-maya pumara ang dalawang katabi nung babae... siympre lumuwag na yung upuan, kasya na uli ang tatlo... sa pag-andar uli may pumara na naman... at dahil nga masikip hindi ko nakita kung sino yung inungas ni manong driver... narinig ko lang na sumigaw siya ng "wala na pong pwesto tatang, masikip na po!" sabay harurot ng jeep... tinitigan ko yung driver... "ayos talaga si manong, ayaw pala magsakay ng mga may discount ang sakay kaya pati yung matanda hindi pinasakay kahit kaya pang humilata ng isang bata sa luwag nung upuan..."

wednesday may make-up class kami kay sir eros ng 8am... tulad ng lagi kong ruta, sa may terminal ako ng mga kolorum sumakay paluwas kasi wala nang ibang sakayan... nakatulog ako sa biyahe dahil ilang gabi na naman akong puyat... nagising ako ng nasa intersection na kami sa may Valenzuela (yung madadaanan ang Royal Family Mall)... akala ko may ibababa lang siya dun, iyon pala may balak siyang iikot kami sa buong Valenzuela hanggang makarating sa Tullahan bridge... nang tanaw na namin ang Monumento biglang hininto ng driver yung sasakyan... pumapara ng jeep... aba ang loko, may balak na masama sa amin... e late na kami, mga estudyante at matatandang babae na pumapasok sa opisina... nakunsume ako dahil late na ako ng isang oras sa klase ni sir... kaya bumulong ako, "katukin niyo nga po yung driver at tanungin kung ano problema niya..." binuksan ng isang ale yung pinto at kinausap yung driver... katwiran ng driver, dapat daw kaming bumaba dahil may nanghuhuli... si ako naman hindi na humirit dahil madalas nga akong sumasakay doon, kaya ginatungan ko na lang yung mga matatandang babae na nagiging emosyonal na... "iniisip niya yung sarili niya e ang dami nating male-late, isumbong niyo nga ho sa LTO..." may isang ale na kahit hindi ko kakilala ay sumagot, "talagang isusumbong ko yan! late na tayo, inikot-ikot pa tayo kung saan-saan, dapat una pa lang hindi na siya bumiyahe..." sa huli, pinaandar din ng driver yung sasakyan kaso mag-b-break siya ng pabigla para dumausdos kaming mga pasahero niya, para iparamdam na naiinis siya... puwes, naiinis din ako kaya sabi ko mababangga siya pag bumaba na kami... pero hindi ko sinabi na mamatay siya...

nang palabasin na kami ni sir eros, pumunta ako sa pavilion para hintayin si ate ivy... habang nakaupo kasama ang mga Commerce, na pinapansin lang ang mga tiga-AB kapag nagtitinda sila, tinawag nila ang isa nilang professor para bumili sa kanila... eto ang mga naganap:

Commerce Students: ma'am bili na po kayo sa amin

Commerce Prof: ano ba tinda niyo?

CS: meron po kaming blah, blah, at blah

CP: sige, pahingi ako ng blah. siya nga pala, meron ba sa klase niyo na naglagay ng evaluation sa akin na "she's a poor professor"?

CS: ay, wala po ma'am, hindi po sa amin galing yon

CS: aba! baka gusto niyang makita bank account ko!!! that's libelous!

(konting kwentuhan pa at umalis na yung professor nila... may isang babaeng estudyante humirit...)

CS: ano kaya problema nun? bakit kaya ipapakita pa niya bank account niya?

(ako rin ay nag-isip... nang sinabi ko sa sarili ko...)

ako: shit! inisip pala nung prof na sinabihan siyang mahirap na professor nung nag-evaluate sa kanya kaya niya gustong ipakita ang bank account niya... "she's a poor professor" *iling*

nga pala, nanood kami ng kapatid ko kanina ng Geminid, shooting stars na dumadaan sa constellation, siyempre, ng Gemini... ang saya, kaso nakakangawit... parang Stardust lang... kapatid ko hiling nang hiling... ako talon nang talon sa tuwa... kaso tuwing yuyko ako para ipahinga yung batok ko, may nakikita kapatid ko :(... kaya anim lang ang nakita ko at fifteen naman ang sa kapatid ko kasi mas may patience siya...

constipation na pala bukas...

dark night of the soul

2007-12-04T09:49:00.001+08:00

alluded to St. John of the Cross and Nick Joaquin... a literary device characterized by metaphysical breakdown and loss of elemental perception, like time and space... for several months i was in this state when everything seems insignificant and everyday existence brings that much dissatisfaction in me... i do not exactly know what i was missing but the feeling of emptiness grows like a black hole eating the light of my reason... and in ma'am rivera's words, "God sends sanctifying grace, pray it happens fast..." bless her... although my recent paper in her subject was a 4 out of 10...

to be or not ot be

2007-11-26T12:22:00.001+08:00

i think i'm giving up on writing... one day i woke up feeling empty, i have nothing left to write about... or let me put it this way: i lost interest on everything to be writing about anything at all... just the day before, i woke up saying to myself "what am i writing for? why am i struggling with the dilemma of so-called writer's block?" then the days proved that i can no longer write... i have three articles due this week... no matter how i concentrate on things, my mind can not weave words the way it did before... i'm losing everything... this time, it's for real... damn it... damn me...

YOSHI!

2007-11-14T12:57:00.001+08:00

i am supposed to be doing what i am supposed to be doing, but here i am again filling the spaces of my blog... i'm really hours short to finish what i am doing but there must really be minuscule sloths in my system that tugs me to infinite laziness...

nonetheless, i am hap[e]py! extremely!

since we already know who our professors are prior the start of second semester, i really anticipated for friday because sir eros is our retorika professor... although it's difficult for me to crawl out of bed in the wee hours of the morning... just as i entered the classroom, peeps greeted me with "o ayan na yung pinakamasayang tao sa araw na 'to" to which i replied a smile that could make you think i have a toothache... definitely i'm happy but it's not the perverted happiness they are trying to pry out of me... as i explained in my previous posts, i regard sir eros as a great teacher, mentor if he won't mind, and nothing of the sort that might merit me a death threat or something...

8 o' clock ticked to quarter to nine and sir was no where in sight... before the minutes declare his tardiness of an hour, sir eros arrived, almost panting and he immediately explained that he has morning commitments and we have to arrange our schedule with him or we'll have another professor take his post...

despite the possibility he explained the course requirements and those sure made my blood rush crazily... our group was assigned Gloomy Sunday (which i had been really fascinated with since i was in elementary) and we are to come up with our individual (if my short-term memory serves me right) folio as a final requirement... wee!!!

of course, a day with sir eros as the professor would not be complete without his antics... he started off with the trailer of Transformers 2 where Megatron was to embark on an adventure in the sea thus the title Megatron Finds Nemo... then he ranted about those superheroes who toil much of the time trying to annihilate quirky villains instead of trying to help people with common chores (which does not add much to the 'super' in the superhero)... to Harry Potter being gay (either way, i still love Dan)... to boys who are so neat, clean, and too handsome may be gays as well (he was trying to point out MY beautiful Japanese boys, and sir must have noticed i was crying my ass in the chair and he said, "sorry kaye, ah.") he knows! ahh, the pains of love, i can never hide the tears if it's true love someone's heckling here... lol...

come monday and we met our literature professor... from hearsays she is horrible but based from my observations, i think i'm going to love her cruelty... there is something in her eyes, glinting sarcasm and cruelty, much like that of Snape's... i actually felt she was Snape and i was in Hogwarts... and for a Snape, she's wordy, maybe because she's a she... nevertheless i may enjoy her class... to which worm was warning me that's it's too early for such an assurance... maybe, maybe not...

baby you can drive my car, haha!

2007-09-30T13:58:00.001+08:00

yay! Binondo legwork... masaya! what can you say sir zulueta? first-hand account pa maipapasa ko na creative non-fiction sa iyo... :)

at si ate val ay nagiging, well, worm na naman... banzai mimizu-chan!

who's good all the time?

2007-09-24T14:14:00.001+08:00

how can i attest to that when nothing good is happening to me? have you ever felt so rotten, empty, and useless... no matter what i do, everything's lost and i'm wading in muddy assumption and retrospection... when i thought this will last forever... that i am spelling out greatness with k-a-y-e... it isn't fair, that people get to be happy with almost everything and that one last thing that gives me worth has gone away... i'm getting tired of asking every night to have that one simple wish now that i've realized nothing's in store for me somewhere there in what they call Heaven... i do not ask for too big a thing... i just want that one special thing in me that makes me continue to be in love with life... without writing, i'm the foulest shit this world will have to flush out...

yay! from my one of my fave profs!

2007-09-05T05:00:00.001+08:00

nino failed me

2007-08-20T13:46:00.001+08:00

kazunari!!! waahhh!!! my heart is bleeding... i heart you so much... i bleed because of you... *sniff* yeah, i know this is too selfish of me... subukan niyong sumunod jun at masaki!!! ;p

nga pala, may Hana Yori Dango Movie daw next year... yay!!! Tsukasa and Rui!!!

happiness

2007-08-17T12:54:00.001+08:00

actually, marami akong dapat gawing mas mahahalagang bagay sa buhay ko ngayon kaso matindi talaga ang kapit ng katamaran kaya eto... HAPPINESS, napulot ko ang salitang ito kay ate aika, at simula noon ay minahal ko na ang salitang ito... pinangalan ko pa nga sa flash disk ko ay HAPPINESS... at akalain mong ang latest single ng pinakamamahal kong Arashi ay may pamagat na HAPPINESS!?! o HAPPINESS di ba? meant to be talaga... like i'm experiencing love for the very first time... sa september pa daw ang labas... sa totoo lang matagal ko na itong alam kaso dahil nga tinatamad ako kahit sangdamukal ang mga kailangan ko gawin ay pinost ka na... can you feel the LOVE = ARASHI?

i'm in an obsession again... make that months ago... at least i'm a little demure now when i talk about it with people... i remember during elementary and high school... it would be very evident to the entire school that i have additions to my addictions... the slightest mention of a related word would make me jump out of my seat and ecstatic... like i would explode and my brain bits would shoot off to different directions if i did not talk about it, because i could no longer contain the happiness in me... i was hoping indeed to splatter my brains to people so they would be contaminated with my frenzy... and most often than not, i do not fail... see people screaming with me the next day...

Tarantino in the flesh!

2007-08-10T06:55:00.001+08:00

halos hindi na ako nakarating dahil sa bagyo... pero dahil sa pagka-delay ng article ko sa Flame ng maraming linggo, kinailangan kong suungin ang tubig nina Chedeng at Dodong (tama ba ang pangalan, at sabay nga ba sila?)... matapos ang sandamakmak ng pagpapalit mula Instituto Cervantes na walang pwedeng schedule for july, naiisipan kong sa Goethe-Institut humanap ng magiging article subalit wala akong nahitang matino sa kanila kaya napadpad sa 9th Cinemanila International Film Festival ang paghahanap ng maisusulat... ang daming problema pero sa wakas ay nakapagsimula na ng leg work... siyempre nakita namin si Quentin Tarantino na napakakulit... hehe... bilang panimula ay pinanood namin ang matinee film na "irina palm"... at habang pinapanood ko naisip ko na dapat hindi na pala ako nagdala sa loob ng malaking iced tea at isang bucket ng cheese-flavored popcorn... umm, the 'wanking widow'... naloka ako at nabusog na lang bigla... dumating si Tarantino na hindi namin namamalayan dahil busy kaming pinagtatawanan ang pagtitig namin kay herbert bautista sa hindi mawaring kadahilanan... at dahil magulo sila kausap, nung gabi lang namin nalaman na hindi pala kami makakapasok sa opening ceremony... pero may isang tagapagligtas na dumating sa katauhan ni sir cuartero... akalain mo, pauwi na dapat kami tapos nakita namin si sir (siya yung every week magpasulat ng article)... sabi niya 'o anong ginagawa niyo dito?' sabi namin 'covering for Flame po sir, e di po kami makapasok, by invitation lang po' sabi niya 'ah, wala tayong pasok bukas ha, kaya pala kayo andito'... kasama niya ang misis niya at pinakilala kami... sabi ni sir 'tara sama ko kayo sa loob'... kasunod nun ay mga tatlong sitahan na 'welcome sir! (sabay lingon sa amin ng mga usher) ma'am tickets nito po?' at sagot naman si sir 'hindi, kasama ko sila'... niyaya pa kami ni sir sa mga upuuan sa taas na sobrang nakakahiya na kaya sabi namin dun na lang kami sa baba kasi sandali lang naman po kami... wee! mahal na namin si sir! ayun, kinuhanan namin si tarantino receiving the lifetime achievement award... he chanted 'woohoos' along with the crowd as the program went on... while we snapped photos away (i'll post more soon)...

mula lang yan sa celefono ko kaya pasensya

pero ang masaklap na part, pauwi na ako at nasa NLEx ng magising ako dahil matagal na pala kaming nakatigil dahil sa baha at traffic... tama ba naman iyon? ang pagkamahal-mahal na NLEx binabaha at nata-traffic!!! 2am na ako nakarating ng bahay... kung hindi lang ako nahihiya sa buong Flame team sa sobrang hassle na dinulot ng pag piprisinta kong i-handle ang foreign non-us film article, hindi ako magtitiyagang magpatangay sa bagyo... susunod na hakbang patungo sa pagsu-submit ng article, pumunta sa "afternoon with tarantino" sa saturday, at exclusive siya sa mga gold ticket (na hindi naman gold *sad*) holders (ako at si iris yun! salamat sa kabaitan ng board!)...

an inconvenient truth

2007-07-19T01:45:00.001+08:00

i watched it the second time around... and i cried... please help this movie's message be heard and properly responded to...

an inconvenient truth

the following is an article i did for our Journalism 205 Features class...

It's Not About Us, It's About Her

You see that pale, blue dot? That's us.
Everything that has ever happened in all of human history,
has happened on that pixel.
All the triumphs and all the tragedies,
all the wars all the famines, all the major advances...
it's our only home.
And that is what is at stake, our ability to live on planet Earth,
to have a future as a civilization.
- Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth

Ever imagined massive human migration to the outer space in search of a new terra firma? All in deep slumber in a cold chamber waiting to be 'planted' on new grounds, human set sail looking for a suitable planet to live in after the Earth's total annihilation. Such was the aim of the fictional Project SEEDS as shown in anime series Trigun.

But we are no fictional characters and our situation is not something easily replenishable by machines and its worldly promises. There is only one planet human was bound to live in and it is dying, dying at the mercy of our hands, right before our very eyes. Most just chose to look past through.

Skeptics of all sorts brush the issue off like it was a disgusting fly on their nose --- those who utterly believe that this is not at all urgent, and those who nonchalantly consider there are more things in life we can busy ourselves with and global warming is not one of those. But global warming is not just the opinion of someone who wishes to proliferate sympathy for almost being the next president of United States of America, nor it is a trend propagated by a teeny-bopper heartthrob whose real intent of suddenly becoming involved is incomprehensible. The condition at hand is as real as you having to deal with unruly hair and the everyday traffic at Espana.

Third world country though we are, this does not exempt us from taking actions to lessen the pains of our planet. Indeed, developed countries like America, Europe, Australia, and Japan contribute much to the emission of greenhouse gases but that does not make our country a home of saints. Our bursting population is a sure-fire contribution to the depletion of natural resources in order to provide for our survival necessities, as if we will actually survive had all these begone. Mangling and strangling of nature here and there, it is as though we did not have our share of nature's unfathomable fury. Over the years we had been butchering our forests and impaling our rivers, all for the sake of a few which ensure that death comes to countless. Maybe the string of storms that provided mass burials in the province of Aurora and the tsunami that almost swallowed Southeast Asia after Christmas 2004 were not enough to take time to notice, 'what have we done?' And we cannot 'go slow' in making necessary actions. We cannot afford to sit and wait for the water to boil and poach us alive.

In a survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations (as lifted from Inquirer.net 05/08/2007) from September 24 to October 2 of 2006, three out of every four Filipinos say that global warming should be addressed but most believe this should be done gradually. About 49 percent preferred to manage the problem of global warming through 'go-slow, low-cost approach,' 18 percent does not desire to take costly steps 'until we are sure that it is really a problem,' and only 27 percent consider it a critical problem that requires immediate action 'even if this involves significant costs.'

The standings, of course, must be dealt with proper analysis since most of the unconvinced respondents belong to the impoverished class whose concern would be their grumbling stomachs and not the howling rage of a mistreated Earth. They would rather chew over what they can eat for the day than wonder how much did the oceans rise since the last Arctic meltdown. Then again, blame is not the rain we need to shower our drought of actions with. And we who are deemed to be the educated ones owe the responsibility of making the issue apparent and acted upon to our planet. To impulsively urge them to take part is as inane as to swim in the Aral Sea, which is now drying to a desert. The least that we can do is to conserve and converse.

Still, naysayers loom incessantly as much as the greenhouse gases perpetuate in the atmosphere, claiming that documentaries depicting the probable planetary threat such as that of Al Gore's are mere docufiction. In Webcommentary.com, almost everything presented in the documentary are 'mythology and blatant misrepresentations that permeate Gore's fiction illustrate just how dangerous such propaganda can be in its influence on an unsuspecting public.' They even stressed on the palpable inaccuracy that global warming is human-induced. In a statement made by the website, there is another factor that may really be the major cause of all these rubbles, 'Though Gore and his followers like to dismiss the solar link out of hand, there is strong corroborating evidence from recent observations of global warming on Mars and Jupiter. In Mars Ski Report: Snow is Hard, Dense and Disappearing the evidence for global warming on Mars is presented. In New Storm on Jupiter Hints at Climate Change the case for global warming on Jupiter is made. What is the common ingredient to Earth, Mars, and Jupiter? The sun.' In a Rebuttal to Inconvenient Truth, Mario Lewis Jr. claimed that Gore's 'truth' is one-sided, misleading, exaggerated, speculative, and wrong.

If our civilization is still far away from achieving the feat of retarding nature's lifeline in a matter of human lifetime, then let us be happy for the longer chance of exploring Earth, but never take this as a chance to further slaughter nature. No matter who or what the cause is, we humans still have so much accountability to this planet's demise. There is no point in arguing what Gore's real intentions are in spreading a global warning; we must make efforts --- each of us can --- to alter this terrifyingly-crucial and riveting reality, that we are truly exhausting the life out of Earth. Are countless lives exacted by natural disasters in such concerted and spontaneous a fashion not enough to rattle the vile bones in us? Yes, we must acknowledge that alleviating hunger, poverty, and illiteracy is as vital as maintaining water reservoirs but everything boils down to the protection of our planet. Population booms and so will poverty, hunger, illiteracy, and simultaneously the need for natural resources and its eventual deterioration, which will lead to incalculable weather disturbances, several sickness and inestimable deaths.

When it rains, it pours. When nature freaks out, it destroys and we die. Or we can choose to live the present and make appropriate changes. After all we are all going to the direction of death, we will just have to pick which way to get there: be 'planted' on unknown soils and die trying to survive or give Mother Nature its due attention and die knowing that our next generations can still survive.

We are experiencing Ice Age and Armageddon altogether in one blow, unless we act now our civilization might as well become fine specimen in ambers for evolved beings of the next thousand years.

i have one, finally

2007-06-10T14:22:00.001+08:00

he wasn't what i really ached for to have because having one as my desire would be too much as of the moment...

besides, the shop owner said that it would be difficult to find one in their place since it is in the American edition, so i relented and asked for his advice instead... he pointed me an old one which seems rather off-tangent with what was in my imagination... the shop owner was nice, which must be the reason why he hadn't had a hard time coaxing me... he said he knew people who recommend him to beginners that's why i believed every word from him, also a friend told me that his shop is really customer-friendly...

it was a hard but hasty decision but i just assured myself that he would soon be accompanied by a 'more beautiful one' when i finally have my own earnings... i stared at him for hours when we reached my lola's house, questioning his complexities... maybe i'd be able to adjust as we spend more time together... i was staring at him with not much admiration and i can feel that he was sobbing his little heart out... he did not want to disappoint me, but he seems rather frail... despite the assurance of the shop owner, i still had doubts with his capabilities, or am i doubting myself? that i cannot make full use of his functions... i settled my woes by testing him myself... he seems to be okay, a little error may surface but that can be fixed... he somehow looks reluctant in my hands, perhaps he was feeling my anxiety... an image of me was transfixed in his beetle eyes, he has potentials only too reserved for an unexperienced me to see... so i was thinking which name to give him, Shinji or Orpheus? but the day-old tug-o-war finally came to a demise... i decided to name my 'beetle-eyed, frail-looking but bold-hearted buddy' SHINJI... maybe Orpheus can be his nickname (?) or his soon-to-be brother when i finally earn my own moolah...

konnichiwa! just felt the need to blog this

2007-05-29T03:58:00.001+08:00

weehehehe... maligaya ako... sooooobraaaaaaaa!!! halata naman di ba? kinikilig talaga ako kasi bumili na ako ng dvd ko ng Letters from Iwo Jima... kasi naman nung napanood ko yung movie, oo nagandahan ako kaso di ko pa kilala nun si Nino, di ko masyado fi-neel yung acting niya kaya bumili ako ng copy ko kahapon at panonoorin ko na mamaya... wahahaha, Nino-kun!!! grabe akala ko mga lalaking drawing lang ng Hapon ang magiging obsessions ko, pati pala mga real-life beautiful boys... wahahaha... masyado akong maligaya... totoo kaya na nagpunta si Aiba-kun sa Malabon Zoo dati? naiiyak nga ako kasi kung totoo e nakakahinayang kasi hindi pa ako baliw sa Arashi dati... ang bait niya kasi at kwela... ok sa mga bata at pati sa animals at sa mga kabanuang bagay...

my beautiful boys (aiba masaki, matsumoto jun, akanishi jin, oguri shun, ninomiya kazunari, narimiya hiroki)

hmmmm... nakakatawa yung mga napanood ko kasi ang kulit ng mga board games ni Aiba, tapos nakakatawa sila Ohno, Jun, at Nino pag may stockings sila sa ulo... si Leader may hidden talent pala sa art... at exact opposite siya ni Sho dahil sobrang outrageous ng mga drawing niya... akalain mong panda pala yung baka na drawing niya... may katabi lang palang bamboo kaya na-justify na panda nga siya... si Lupin pinagmukha niyang kawawa at si Fujiko ay nakakadiri... wahaha, ang kulit talaga!!! ARASHI!!! yay!

Almighty ME: Domyouji Tsukasa

2007-05-18T06:29:00.001+08:00

i just told my sister at the onset of Hana Yori Dango on GMA that it would be very difficult for me to make certain disparities between Meteor Garden and HYD because i'm soooo lovin' both... really i'm so excited about this entry i do not know where or how to start so let me share with you some lines i got from watching HYD 1 and 2 along with few Tsukasa Mistakes...

"those are 'lesson' pandas" - tsukasa

"you say makino's not that pretty? her eyes are outta this world!" - tsukasa

"i'll wait until your heart can give me an honest reply." - tsukasa

"i was hoping to show her our home planet [Saturn]" - tsukasa

"but my NBA just made me do it. genes, my genes!" - tsukasa

"for me, the real flavor of love tastes like those lousy cookies you made" - tsukasa

"just give me a minute. let me hold you like this." - rui

"the next time you make my girl cry, i'm gonna rip your guts out through your asshole!" - soujirou

* incoherence alert *
well, after watching HYD 1 and 2, i finally came to a verdict that HYD is waaaaaay better than meteor garden... and i just can't get enough of how genuine love changes even the most pathetic scumbag the elite sphere has created... anyhow, i can't continue with this entry because i'm all dried up... dregs of a once boiling and heatedly-spontaneous writer that i was... i'm all out of ideas, feelings, and words... see how even the best emotion i could at present gather can not fuel that drive in me... somebody tell me that God does not get His bestowed talents back... because that's the last branch i could cling to... wish i had that 'Almighty Me' cockiness...

i had never been eighteen

2007-04-13T14:10:00.001+08:00

just thinking about that number makes my head swirl in thoughts of adulthood and responsibilities... i certainly enjoyed my seventeenth year as a human... everything had happy results... which strengthened my abhorrance for the number 18... it meant i'm finally stepping into the world... i tried to make it quick to pass... then i barely noticed it just did... it came and went way too fast, i was busy getting out that i had not become productive at all... but there are things i could surely be happy about... i became a student to three great professors, i met one among the three whom i really like to be my mentor in life and writing, i won in that prestigious literary contest in the University the first time i joined, i realized that friendship really takes time to foster but it's all worth the wait... lastly, i found myself deeply in love with life... aphrodite and my experiences showed me why and how... i finally went past the emo/death/hate stage of my life and i'm glad i did, alongside me are my first college friends who i value the most... i rarely show affection but it's always genuine and heartfelt when i do... true that i was not much of contribution in lessening the pains of our world, but i am pleased to say that i am an addition to the few who still see the world as a beautiful place to spend our lives in... perhaps if i'll have the courage to mend things in our family then i'll be able to face life more happily, i may even create a change... i wonder what life has in store for my nineteenth year...

my visual dna

2007-04-11T05:43:00.001+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

l-o-o-o-s-e-r-!

2007-03-03T14:54:00.001+08:00

matapos kong magkasakit sa loob ng apat na araw (ang panglima ay nagpahinga ako) kinaya ko na rin lumuwas at pumasok... dami ko na ring actions (teehee hindi lessons) ang na-miss... pag may nagtatanong kung anong nangyari sa akin (dahil 3 days akong absent) sinasabi ko "i was dying but then i thought it's barely 2 weeks and i'll finish my 2nd year so why not live until then?" *mocking laughter* bakit actions at hindi lessons ang hinihintay kong balikan? kasi ang worthwhile lang na balikan sa mga klase ko ay yung kanila sir emer, sir ian, at sir olivar... wala na masyado exciting na pangyayari pa (ang blunt ko mag-narrate)... at dahil may sakit ako, hindi ako pinapayagan nila daddy na mag-internet kaya ayan *poof* hindi ko nakita yung message ni mr. ned parfan sa chatbox ko tungkol sa students recognition day, na dahil pala sa pagka-epal ko sa USTetika ay may chance akong ma-experience yun... pero ngayon nilulunod ko na lang ang sarili ko sa imaginaton kung ano meron sa students recognition day... naalala ko bigla, may prof pala na nag-announce ng tungkol dun na na-move siya ng date chevers at si ako naman ay nag-react as if affected ako nun... "di ba sa march 15 pa yun?" sabay hagod ng kilabot sa spinal column ko e ano naman kung na-move hindi ka naman apekatdo nun? oo nga pala ano? pero dahil nabasa ko (at late na, unga-unga!!! ngawa-ngawa!!!) naisip ko, di kaya talagang may connection ang mga sinasabi ko sa mga mangyayari sa akin? naaah... too much... tatanungin ko na lang si roman kung ano nangyari kasi regular attendee naman siya dun... as of now uutuin ko muna ang sarili ko na iyon ay napaka-boring na pagkakataon (sabay singit ng imagination ko na tinawag na pala ako for recogniton at sumisikip na naman ang utak ko, as usual pag kinakabahan)... at busy ako sa binabasa kong Daddy Long Legs (ewan may humihila sa akin para basahin yun e)!!! waterfalls ng ngawa... e kasi naman di naman ako batang DL kaya ngayon ko lang dapat, sana, na-experience yun... huhuhuhuhuhu *singhot*

not so bad february (yet)

2007-02-08T05:55:00.002+08:00

woohoo!!! happiness!!! i hope it will spell the entire month of february... just this morning i was anticipating much for the day because my instinct told me that sir ian would be distributing our preliminary paper (the interview-feature thingy that took me ages to wait for a spark of imagination to ignite but when it did my interviewee was nowhere in sight... luckily i found my salvation in d.e.'s knees... the paper was supposed to be submitted last january 22 so i scratched my wits out from 4pm to 1am to finish, only to find out that mr. esguerra was somewhere in nowhere-to-be-found land...)... anyway after swearing that i would hate him for the entirety of a second, the grade that he gave me for my prelims took that millisecond hatred away and i succumbed to his charming wits again... but upon seeing the grade of someone, i was really in the mood for another abhorment because sir ian gave her the same grade as mine to think that he found too many (as in waaaaaaaaaay toooooo many) errors in her paper... what blew me was he still found her narration good... and we had the same grade!!! my paper (boasting aside) sufferred only a slash on a phrase but other than that he made no more violent scribbles on my prelims... and she got same grade with mine??? wala hate ko na uli siya (ahaahay arte parang bata) ;p

chooooo... anyway i had fun today with my classmates... really the first fun thing i could remember with them... to make the long story short, i never thought that i could get along very well with aphro... as i confessed to worm, i never had seen myself interacting as natural as i did with her... she was such a fun person to be with, and you will not notice that you are already naked off your masquerade, jeering and cheering about simple things in life... no negative passions... the food was great and so were the people with me... mwah to worm, aphro, iris, and joan...

tao po, andyan po ba ang Diyos?

2007-01-13T07:20:00.001+08:00

papapasukin Mo ba ako sa langit kung magpapakamatay ako? ayoko kasi sa impyerno, masyadong malungkot dun, parang buhay ko dito sa mundo... hirap na hirap na kasi akong makisama at umintindi sa mga tao pero sila hindi man lang nila subukang isipin kung kumusta na ako o ano ang nararamdaman ko... tama bang sabihin nila sa akin na 'ako lang naman ang iniisip nila, ayaw nila ako mahirapan' pero sa sarili ko alam ko na nahihirapan na ako? mahal ko sila pero hindi nila kayang lawakan ang pag-iisip nila para maintindihan lahat ng katwiran ko na sinasarili ko na lang... gustung-gusto ko na umuwi at makasama sila pero ang daratnan ko lang sa bahay hindi sila nagpapansinan... akala nila sila lang ang marunong masaktan sa nangyayari... labing-walong taon na nila akong kasama sa buhay pero hindi sila makaramdam kapag nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa nila... hindi lang ako nagsasalita, dahl bawal magsalita sa baluktot na pangangatwiran...

iniisip ko kung ano ang gagawin ko... magpapakamatay ako o maglalayas na lang... masyado kasing masaya at maganda ang buhay pero mali lang ako ng binagsakan kaya hindi ko malubos-lubos lahat ng mayroon ang buhay... pero gusto ko lumaya... lumipad kasama ng hangin at magpadausdos sa pisngi ng mga nilikha Mo... pero nakakulong ako sa problema ng pagiging tao at sa uri ng buhay ko... ayoko rin naman iwan na nag-iisa ang kapatid ko... sobrang mahal ko siya... kung kaya ko lang siyang dalhin sa pupuntahan ko para hindi na niya maranasan kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon... ayokong nasasaktan siya at nalulungkot... mahal na mahal ko ang kapatid ko pero gusto kong lumaya... mahal ko rin ang nanay ko pero hindi na siya yung nanay ko... masyado na siyang nasasaktan kaya nalimutan na niya na nasasaktan din ako... gusto na rin niyang lumaya... bakit hindi niyo ako maintindihan? ayokong sa salita niyo basahin kundi sa mga kinikilos ko... Ikaw, naiintindihan Mo ba ako? palayain Mo ako... gusto ko yung hindi masakit, pwede ba mamayang gabi sa pagtulog ko? kung nagbabasa Ka na rin ngayon ng mga blog, bukod sa pakikinig ng dasal ng bilyong nilalang Mo, sana nababasa Mo rin ito... sana nakikita mo kung gaano na ang iniiyak ko... para makapag-paalam ako sa kapatid ko... o kaya gawin mo na lang akong guardian angel niya... kung papasukin Mo ako sa langit...

constipation relieved

2006-12-18T00:21:00.001+08:00

tae... yun yung unang salitang nasabi ko nung narinig ko ang title ng sanaysay ko nung in-announce kagabi... tae nga kasi unang-una sinabi yung result ng category sinalihan ko samantalang iyon yung huling nakalista sa programme... teka nakalimutan ko na kung ano yung mga nangyari basta hanggang ngayon automatic yung ngiti ko... sige sisimulan ko sa umpisa kaya medyo mahaba... ayun... simula nung nakumpleto ko na lahat ng requirements nagsimula ang constipation namin ni karl... at lumalala pa nung na-postpone yung awards night na dapat ay december 9 na naging 16... tapos december 16 na --- kasi yung mga araw na nasa pagitan ng pag-submit ko ng entry hanggang december 16 ay puro kwentong constipation lang naman --- pagkagaling ko ng LTS Christmas party (na ang pinakain lang sa mga bata ay empanadang kasing liit ng lumang piso at juice) nag-lunch na kami ni ate ivy... sumakit ang ulo ko pagkatapos sabi ni nanay ivy masyado ko lang daw iniisip yung event mamaya sabi naman ng totoo kong nanay nalipasan daw ako ng gutom... mga 4pm di ko pa rin alam ang iisipin ko at gagawin ko --- constipation... ayoko mag-uniform kasi hindi mag-u-uniform si karl pero nag-uniform pa rin ako kasi baka sabihin nila kabago-bago kong sumali pasaway na ako... at nagtatakbo ako sa dorm dahil akala ko late na kami ni mommy, 6pm na kasi... inaway ako ni mommy kasi pagdating namin sa main building kami pa lang ang tao at gusto niya mag-meryenda dahil galing pa siya ng Bulacan... nakita ko si kuya ivan at nagtanong ng mga bagay tungkol sa event... registration at kung anu-anong mems... hanggang 7pm kami naghihintay at bago mag-simula ang show na-ispatan namin ni karl si sir eros (na na-upo sa may table adjacent ng amin kaya ang hirap magtago) at lagi na siyang pinapanood ni mommy (household name na kasi si sir sa amin)... ayun Parangal Hagbong at si mommy ay nagiging whiner na... tapos andun si F. Sionil Jose sabi ko sayang wala akong libro niya... sabi ni mommy dali lapit ka picturan ko kayo... sabi ko baka bambuhin niya ako ng tungkod niya, ika nga ng kaklase ko "i'm not worthy"... baka sabihin ni F. Sionil Jose sino ka ba iha? (sabay pukpok ng tungkod)... sabi ni karl english yata siya magsalita... sabi ko na baka sa sabihin ni F. Sionil Jose hu u? (simultaneously whacking my head) ;p ... si mommy naman: di pala nag-s-sign of the cross prof niyo no? ang ingay naman ng prof niyo... ;p

matapos ang ilang oras ng pagdaldal para makalimutan ang constipation awarding na... biglang sinabi ang unang chevers ay ang sanaysay... doon ako, bakit naman iyon ang una? sa kasamaang palad po ay walang nagwagi ng una, ikalawa, at ikatlong gantimpala subalit ang Karangalang Banggit (Honorable Citation) ay kinamit ng sanaysay na *drum roll* Isang Tapak sa Panahon at Isa sa Kawalan ng Wakas ni Khristine Joy E. Pulumbarit!!! tae!!! narinig ko pa lang yung salitang 'Isang' nag-o my gosh na ako sa upuan ko at di pa tinatawag ang pangalan ko tumayo na ako at nanginginig na pumunta sa stage... wala talaga akong ka-finesse finesse ngayong college kahit pagpapanggap lang... umakyat ako sa stage na hindi ko alam kung nakahukot na naman ako... doon ako sa kabilang side dumaan kasi nahihiya ako lumapit sa pwesto nila sir eros... nararamdaman ng mga nag-abot ng prize na nanginginig ako kaya nag-offer yung lalaki na samahan ako hanggang sa table namin... sabi ko ok na po ako... iyon tinawag na lahat at madaming first-timers (yung winner sa fiction na rector's literary awardee ay galing sa 2JRN1, galing!!!) ang nanalo at marami pa rin ang mga TWG members... at habang maraming AB na nanalo, kinakamayan naman sila ni sir eros at sabi ko kanila mommy bakit sila may personalized handshake galing kay sir? (na feeling ko ay naramdaman ni sir na sinasabi ko yun dahil malakas ang senses niya kaya) umikot siya papunta sa table namin at kinamayan din ako, ngumiti sabay sabi ng congratulations!!! hinawakan ko nang mahigpit yung kamay ni sir sabay sabing salamat po... pagka-alis ni sir tinanong ko kay karl yung oras sabi niya 8.50pm... sabi ko hahaha 8.47pm nung kinamayan ako ng kapitaga-pitagang Eros S. Atalia... ayun pinagtawanan lang ako nila mommy at karl... sabi ni mommy sayang daw hindi niya na-picturan nung kinamayan ako ni sir eros... umuwi kami nila mommy na may automatic na ngiti sa aking labi hanggang maitulog ko ang aking sakit ng ulo... salamat sa mga nilalang na tumulong at nag-boost ng aking morale...

science of deduction

2006-11-24T20:06:00.001+08:00

waaahhh!!! na-aadik na talaga ako sa sherlock holmes!!!! gusto ko pumunta sa Baker Street Musuem sa London!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nyahahah may pang-divert na ako ng attention kapag nagkaka-problema ako sa pagsusulat!!!! i'll put my stalking abilities to use. ;p

at si sir christian esguerra pala ang adviser namin this 2nd semester... kaya ayun lalo siyang nagiging salbahe sa mga dini-discuss niya pero ayos lang astig naman siya magturo...

to be continued***

aide memoire

2006-11-03T03:48:00.001+08:00

so i have decided to leave my writing to obligatory circumstances since my well has dried up... pen and paper will be of no use until a required article is up for submission and grades... i can no longer write the way some prolific writers of my age does, or the way i used to at least... i'll just live a run of the mill life, not anymore expecting to prevail in a race i lost so long ago... i just had my piece for USTetika dumped into the litters for it may as well be what a professor may do if i asked him to sign for authorization... i tried to write anew but there isn't much time, much motivation, much creativity, much confidence in me... i'll stop worrying about things that concerns my being a writer... world of the mundane here i come... am i not there still?

more reasons to celebrate!!!

2006-10-27T06:50:00.001+08:00

birthday ng kapatid ko!!! at nakita ko na grades ko!!! saya!!! pasado ako lahat kaso mababa ang major ko... huhuhuu... at naisip ko para pala maging DL ka sa kaso ko, una dapat lalaki ka para may uno sa *toot*... pangalawa dapat pinagtiyagaan ko na lang na maupo ng one-and-a-half hour sa kasagsagan ng tanghalian at siyesta, na hindi nag-cut para perfect attendance, at pinilit na magpanggap na gising at attentive ako para flat 1.0... o di ba? yun pala yung mga dapat na ginawa ko, er naging ako... wala lang, napuntahan, er pinuntahan ko pala yung isang account ng ibang tao at talaga naman kamangha-mangha... tuloy naisip ko kahit artificial intelligence kayang-kaya maging DL basta uno sa theology... o ayan tapos isang madaling subject pa and the glory is yours...

this is not how i want this post to be

2006-10-19T14:15:00.001+08:00

finally finished harry potter book 6... yeah, call me loser, slowpoke, whatever, don't care though... (crap i really hate it when the mood is gone, especially if it is because of a highly boyfriend-deprived girl)... anyway as i was saying, as always i got myself involved too much i had occasional cries over the scenes when Harry was beside Dumbledore's body, realizing that he'll be alone from then on... and stressing on 'The Cave' chapter, i was really into the story... i even gasped at the idea Harry was up to, i thought he was to make Dumbledore drink water from the lake of corpses... the very scene wherein Harry was forced to force Dumbledore into drinking the potion made me unconsciously lopside in my seat... dunno what to feel... they were both helpless, and Harry not being able to conjure proper aguamenti... also the time when Harry discovered that Dumbledore drank to his crumbling health for a fake Horcrux... which made me think that Harry must himself be Horcrux... (crap! i really hate it when the momentum is disturbed)... really the book is yet the best but terrible... and i thought of typing some thoughts down before going to bed... quite shaken by the incidents of the book, can't bring them straight to sleep... and i have this inanely weird feeling that those may really be happening and i really am strangely worried... i'll miss Dumbledore...

what would you do?

2006-09-28T08:14:00.001+08:00

if your september suddenly becomes oh so weird and unexpected and gloomy? if your favorite major professor is not around the whole month and left the class to the clutches of a hag? if your favorite adviser attended your class for only a week when you were expecting to have more of his mindpiece at regular dosage? if you suddenly find yourself alone in the night in a sulky, irksome dormitory? if someone you cannot actually consider a friend who seems to not consider you neither but both of you seem to be, suddenly shows signs of whatever gestures that give you the uneasy feeling? if he suddenly asks you things you totally know that he knows but shows that he does not? if that very night he sent you something that gives you the chills? if he, out of whatever reason, asks you 'out'? if he is not the one you are hoping to ask you out? if you are just being paranoid and all that?

life is full of surprises

2006-09-08T05:25:00.001+08:00

really... and today sucked... no matter how neatly slated your activities for the week are, some circumstances and people were intentionally fashioned to ruin everything... monday was spent entirely to finish my high-regard-veneration-fueled business for prof. eros atalia ----- a thought paper, review for the comprehensive exam and for the formidably mortifying recitation... tuesday was expected to be a tight day but the news that prof. plata was not around gave me the chance to loosen up and my mind to have some relaxation... which apparently i should not have had because wednesday had been very demanding and time was not enough for me to settle the arduous advanced organizer for prof. neil armstrong satoquia... had i not reviewed a week earlier for natural science i could have lost more unscrewed bolts off my noodle... all these due today... and as i entered our classroom early morning a roman greeted me with "o, buhay ka pa? hahaha..." slowly zombies barged into the room, all puffy-eyed and half-demented... then a delighted nonoy stormed in announcing "sa tuesday na daw ipapasa yung chart sabi ni sir satoquia!!!" all of us waking from our sluggish abstraction recoiled violently... "ngayon pa!!!" "bakit di na lang kayo magpa-salamat?" roman and ae impishly slammed nonoy onto the wall and the teacher's table... then the clock went on ticking until we finally realized that ma'am garcia would be the second one to desecrate our efforts for the day... same with mr. atalia... thank you very much... in so saying the thursday we had all been wishing to be finally over to hand in our requirements was inadvertently thumped into the bin... ok...

magaling!!! tigers pounced on the high-soaring eagles

2006-08-28T10:23:00.001+08:00

messing the cleansweep rally by ateneo blue eagles, ust growling tigers made a three back-to-back-to-back wins in the second round of season 69 basketball elimination... blue-jammed philsports arena was silenced by a crucially-lined but optimistic horde of hungry tigers with a side by side snitch of scores... tallying lofty scores despite the absence of jojo duncil, anthony espiritu and jun cortez kept the tigers roaring and the outnumbered thomasians in high spirits... by the end of the fourth quarter, both teams registered 69 thus needing an overtime to know who's who... looks like birthday boy macky escalona ain't too happy for a celebration... 88-80, now ateneo gets a taste of defeat from a la salle-free season 69...

du musst caligari werden

2006-08-14T03:07:00.001+08:00

scanning through the entertainment section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, i saw an ad about The 3rd German Silent Film Festival by Goethe-Institut Manila is to showcase "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" (on tuesday, august 15 8.00pm ----- meaning i can't watch huhuuhu ----- at greenbelt 1 cinema 1)... looking at the picture, it reminds me of those eerie dreams i've had in my childhood... those dreams of european-inspired rooms, with the fire crackling weakly yet wickedly like the sinister oocupant's mirthless plots of murder... cozy couches that hide lurking shadows of awaiting death... these actually did not scare the wits out of me... i do enjoy these dreams that haunt my childhood sleep... and i do want to see something like these in vivid spectation... in a play or movie that is... that was my assumption of the film story when i saw the picture

in the newspaper... i had my research as i was uber excited about the film and disappointment did not seem apparent... it was just as i expected... only less ominous as my dreams... and i do want to watch!!!

Das Kabinett des Doktor Caligari

all harried up

2006-08-03T06:45:00.001+08:00

this week is a sure fire stress-igniting one... imagine getting late on my first subject on a monday... knowing that i will have to cut class in order to get through my LTS prelims... and the worst blow of all, having read an 81-page module a week before recitation starts yet not being able to answer my professor... Francine said i was just caught off guard... i was called and the question thrown into me seem to have been lost in a quagmire of informations and it hardly sinked in when i realized i was stammering, not knowing in which part of my brain should i grope for the answer... i feel so terrible i compromised with a deal that's quite burdening me right now... stare blankly into an ocean of regret was all i could do... i know that i know the answer but something fumbled within my brain, completely obscuring my memory... my life is indeed a mess... mamamatay na naman ako next week... punta kayo ha...

my eyes are not deceiving me and my intellect received and perceived the information fair enough... Daniel Radcliffe is going to bare it all!!! Dan is to participate in a play next year entitled "Equus" where he will play the part of a stableboy, where a scene will require him to 'simulate sexual ecstasy while riding a horse naked'...

"don't kill Harry", thus is the appeal of great authors Stephen King and John Irving to J.K. Rowling during their reading for a cause... would Harry end up as great fictional predecessor Sherlock Holmes, killed then revived... no need to elaborate much... this is too morose and sinister a topic...

Dan stripped >_< King, Irving say don't

tae!!! natalo USTe!!!

2006-07-30T08:31:00.001+08:00

bakit mga gurang na NU pa ang tumalo sa USTe??? e dinaan tayo sa tanda at laki e... akala ko ba hindi na palalabanin ang mga 23 years old at patanda sa mga batang players??? yang matandang Lingaolingao na yan at ang maangas na Fernandez na yan... grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! at di ko matanggap na si Asoro ang may hawak ng award ni Japs last game!!! hindeeeeeeeee!!!! akalain mong 98 - 85 ang score!!! naging lax ang Tigers at nagkaroon ng kumpiyansa ang Bulldogs kaya si Coach Pido nag-aalburoto!!! last quarter natanggal pa si kuya Jojo... si Lingaolingao ang hinihintay ko maka-apat para out na!!! hay naku!!! UST lopsided to 2 and 2 and the chances of stepping up to the final four seems to be a distant light... hope not... *sigh*

NU stuns UST, 98-85 >_< UST eyes third straight win vs NU

blood... sweat... drool...

2006-07-24T11:16:00.001+08:00

and the UST Growling Tigers made a successful rally against UAAP 69 host UE Warriors as they scored a spectacular 91 - 77... the Tigers flattened the Warriors' mouth shut of the threat "pakakainin namin kayo ng alikabok" as told by point guard Japs Cuan... as Adie should have commented "sana sinabi niyo pa-iinumin namin kayo ng baha"... ferociously roaring Tigers were swaying favorable winds to the tune of the cheering Tomasinos and the beating of the Yellow Jackets' drums... with the chanting yellow-donned crowd, we (adie, francine, and i) applauded every points collected by the Tigers barraging towards victory...

following them to their lair in the dugout for interview, we were jittery and ecstatic about the win, and the opportunity to come face to face with the Growling Tigers... humble yet full of pride for the team swingman Jojo Duncil welcomed us with a gleaming smile... happier still was Coach Pido... yet the happiest was me because of in the flesh meeting with John Paul Socao Cuan... as always i swallowed my words and the rest is clandestine...

UST rips UE

back home

2006-07-14T16:57:00.001+08:00

yipee!!! matapos ang pagkaka-udlot ng pag-uwi ko kahapon dahil sa isa na namang kasinungalingan ng napaka-galing naming pangulo ng bansa, natuloy na rin ang pag-uwi ko sa bulacan... ang daming nangyari ngayong week... monday may quiz sa journ at nakaka-inis kapag essay at marami ako gustong sabihin pero dahil umuutot na ang ballpen ko e nawalan na ako ng ganang dagdagan pa ang sagot ko... pagdating ng hapon nag-estivate ako sa Filipiniana section ng library para karirin ang pagsusulat sa assignment kay sir eros... saan kaya ako pwede pa pumunta para magsulat nang walang iistorbo sa akin... yung tipong ayan na ang momentum sa pagsusulat bigla may taong darating na hindi mo gusto makita at kausapin... maya maya may darating naman na taong bigla kang hahampasin sa braso bilang tanda ng pagbati at mapapansin mo na lang kasabay na tumilapon ng kanyang hampas ang mga ideya na gusto mong isulat... tuesday dumating si sir eros at feeling ko ay bad mood siya... medyo na-sermonan ang ilan dahil sa hindi pagpapasa ng assigment on time... "e ano kung 2 pages? unfair naman kasi sa mga nagpapasa on time di ba? ako pumasok ako ng 6am dahil di ko na-check quiz niyo dahil kakagaling ko lang sa sakit... sana kayo rin mag-comply sa deadline..." hindi siya kalog ng mga panahong iyon kaya nakaka-panibago... wednesday napag-tripan kong sumama kanila ate vangge para magpagupit sa Bench Fix... thursday walang pasok... a whole day in our dorm with babble mouthed people sucks!!! a typical conversation for them is so vociferous you'll hear them from dapitan to espana!!! considering that their courses are nursing and medical technology, they still manage to rot their asses off the whole semester chatting about nonsensical topics and occasionally lay fingers on their books... enough said... got to read lots... tatahh!!!

pagkupas ng tinta at iba pa

2006-07-08T09:09:00.001+08:00

sa pagninilaynilay ko sa pinatutunguhan ng aking buhay, naisip ko na gusto ko pa rin bumalik sa tunay na pagsusulat... yung pagsusulat na may manlalait at hahanga pero hindi ipipilit ang ideya nila na ipalit sa iyong piyesa... sa pag-uusig ng aking kamalayan sa mga katotohanang iminulat ng dalawa sa natatanging guro sa aking buhay, tumatak sa aking isip na magbabalik ako sa pagsusulat sa pahayagan... sinubukan ko pero hindi pa siguro ito ang panahon... marami pa akong dapat ayusin at gampanan sa kasalukuyang kinabibilangan na minsan kong naranasan ang saya na sa ngayon ay unti-unting nawawala na... sana dumating ang araw na matupad ko ang kinikinita ko noon na mapa-bilang sa The Varistarian, pero hindi muna ngayon... at sana hindi tuluyang kumupas at matuyo ang tinta...

on a lighter and happier note... in-approve na nila sir eros atalia at sir christian esguerra ang Friendster requests ko... wahahahahahahah!!! at binabansagan na ako ng mga tao na stalker... birthday nga pala ngayon ni sir eros at sana ngayon ako magpapa-pirma ng libro niya na 'Taguan-pung at Manwal ng mga Napapagal' pero hindi ko siya nakita... kahapon kasi pagkatapos ng quiz namin sa Filipino nagpa-pirma sila roman ng book e yung books namin ni adie nasa dorm... nag-iisip pa rin ako kung saan at paano magpapa-pirma sa kanya kasi ayoko sa classroom... pag na-gawa na ng iba di ko na gagawin... in the first place di ko naman inisip na sa classroom ako magpapa-pirma...

tanong lang: kapag may dalang tumbler ang prof mong intelekwal at nagdala ka rin ng sa iyo, ano ang iniisip mong naging ikaw?

i'm back but not myself

2006-07-01T10:07:00.001+08:00

basta masaya ako ngayong semester kasi the best ang professors namin... isipin mo, may christian esguerra na as major subject professor may eros atalia pa as class adviser!!! iba talaga tong dalawang to kasi sila lang ang nakapag-pabago sa daloy ng pag-iisip ko nang ganoon kalaki!!! gusto kong sabihin na may mga pagkakapareho kami sa mga paniniwala na dati hindi ko mailabas dahil sa tingin ko mali pero nung marinig ko ang ilan mula sa dalawang profs na ito sobrang nagbago ako... kaya nga kahit 7am ang pasok at kailangang gumising ng 4.30am para makipag-unahan sa banyo ng dorm e ayos lang... astig naman yung mga prof na aabutan mo... wahahahahaha!!! nakakatuwa nakita ko na ang Friendster accounts nila sir eros at sir christian nakaka-aliw kasi mga mukhang seryoso at walang paki-alam sa pag-ibig pero parehong may chuva!!!

habang nag-aayos ako ng gamit bago bumalik sa TomCaT office, napag-isipan ko na gusto kong bumalik sa print media... gusto kong subukan sa Varsitarian at Flame... pero katulad ng dati malaki pa rin ang problema ko, wala akong kumpiyansa sa pagsusulat ko ngayon na parang napag-iwanan na ako ng mga kasabayan ko... ang hirap pero gusto ko pa rin subukan... isa pa pakiramdam ko kasi wala na yung gana ko sa isang grupo na sa aking pakiwari'y favoritism ang pina-iiral at hindi professionalism...

i need decapitation

2006-06-18T08:14:00.001+08:00

i am holding on to the wind... my head is in topsy-turvy of events i can't seem to evade... i feel like spinning around things i have control but seems to be losing it... focusing is largely a matter of constraint and confusion... i can't head on a start... disoriented i am... no direction to go in this futile world... don't know what to do, how to act, when to speak... everything i do turns out to be a blunder... i'm useless... finally i can say, i have climaxed the scheme of my fear... i'd rather end worthlessness now before everyone else finds out... no point in persevering now... i'm a hopeless case and i feel so empty... i try picking pieces of me, falsely assuming that i can still put myself together... i have lost every inch of interest in things i usually find solace... i say i'm desperate but there's nothing i can do... the initative i used to have finally found its way among the dust... studying, writing, keeping myself involved are mere illusions of the past... i am not myself... nor will i ever be again...

hango sa stainless longganisa at apektado ako

2006-05-29T08:19:00.001+08:00

1. "writing is easy. all you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." - Gene Fowler, journalist and biographer

matagal na akong nagbu-buwisit sa supposedly loss ng aking gana, inspirasyon, talento o anu mang pwedeng mawala sa pagsusulat... pero siguro dumadaan lang ako sa stage na ito... sana nga... kasi sa dami ng mga taong naniniwala sa kakayahan na meron ka madalas nakaka-pressure na umayon sa panuntunan nila... kung ano ang sa tingin nilang ikaw at dapat na ginagawa mo kapag di mo natugunan parang wala ka nang kwenta... mahirap talaga ang magsulat at kung inaakala ng iba na dahil walang halong numero at formulae ang hinahasa mong dunong ay superior sila sa iyo pwes magtigil sila...

3. "i write at eighty-five for the same reasons that impelled me to write at forty-five; i was born with a passionate desire to comunicate, to organize experience, to tell tales that dramatize the adventures which readers might have had... ...the job of an apple tree is to bear apples. the job of a storyteller is to tell stories, and i have concentrated on that obligation." - James Michner, The World is My Home

hindi ko ito namalayan nung maliit pa ako... kinahiligan ko na ang pagsusulat tulad ng pagkahumaling ko sa United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland bago ko pa mahalin si Daniel Radcliffe... nung binasa ko uli ung profile ko sa Friendster napansin ko na puro sa pagsusulat ang karamihan ng affiliations ko... simula nung elementary (at hindi pa malinaw sa akin noon ang gusto ko sa buhay) nagsusulat na ako, mga kabulastugan kasama ni Pat... hanggang sa lalo pa akong tumangkad mahal ko ang pagsusulat (at hindi pa rin malinaw sa akin ngayon ang gusto ko sa buhay) kaso parang iniwan na niya ako... sana nagpahinga lang sandali...

4. "but y'all can see me now cuz you don't see with your eye. you perceive with your mind." - Gorillaz, Clint Eastwood

nagsusulat ako dahil gusto ko... isinusulat ko ang nasa loob ko at wala kayong magagawa kung masagi ko kayo... masagi lang dahil hindi pa ako handang managasa... minsan sa pagsusulat ko ako hinuhusgahan ng tao... sa pagsusulat ko hinhusgahan ang sarili ko at kakayahan ko... dati ang matindi kong paniniwala ay huwag ikumpara ang sarili sa iba, makipag-kumpetisyon ka sa sarili mo... hindi ko rin naman maiwasan na tumingin sa gawa ng iba at ibaon ang sarili ko sa pagtungo at pagkadismaya... tulad ng lagi kong daing sana may makakita sa kaibuturan ko... at sana sa pamamagitan ng sinusulat ko...

5. "what no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window." - Burton Rascoe, critic, editor and journalist

madalas akong tumulala at magmasid... naka-upo lang sa harap ng kawalan... nang bigla kong maririnig ang mommy ko na uutusan ako o ang kapatid ko na magtatanong ng walang kabuluhang tanong... at magwawala na ako... nakasibangot buong araw dahil na-istorbo ang lumulutang na mga ideya, malilimutin pa naman ako... kaya nga kapag may mga contest lagi akong lumalayo sa contest venue, nakahiwalay sa marami dahil ayoko ng kahit anong uri ng ingay kapag nagsusulat... para bang tinatangay ng vibrations ang tumatagas na mga ideya kaya hindi na umaabot sa papel... hilig ko rin magsulat kapag umuulan, kung di man magsulat ay mag-isip... masaya ako kapag umuulan, kakaiba ang pakiramdam ko... kapag nasa labasa ako at umuulan, pinagmamasdan ko ang mga tao na para bang napaka-bait ng mundo... walang bakas ng pagsasamantala at kasamaan na maaaninag dahil parang ang lahat ng ito'y hinihip na ng hangin at hinugasan na ng ulan... parang lahat ng tao ay may positibong maidudulot sa mundo kapag umuulan... kaya masaya ako sa ulan...

9. "if God gives you something you can do, why in God's name wouldn't you do it?" - Stephen King, On Writing

11. "the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. you open your safe and find ashes." - Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

hindi ko talaga maintindihan... gustung-gusto ko at kailangang-kailangan ko na makapagsulat... lalo na ngayong college pero bakit parang sa kritikal na panahon pa ito nawala... hindi ko naman ito ipinagdamot... sa anong paraan nga ba ipinagdadamot ang pagsusulat? baka nga dahil sa hindi ko alam kaya di ko namalayan na nagawa ko na pala... kaya Niya binawi... kaya nang sinubukan kong isulat ang tinta sa papel kawalan ang lumabas sa halip na letra...

don't suppress the press

2006-05-04T12:41:00.001+08:00

it's national press freedom day... also, a day for commemorating the death of about 77 filipino journalists... just heard it from the news and my mom starts freaking out... "magsulat ka na lang ng horoscope..." hahahaha... i first took notice of those deaths when i was in 4th year high school... despite this i pursued taking journalism... then it recurred to me... some fellow journalism students ranting on not really being passionate about our course... they just wanted to write for lifestyle magazines anyway and not be involved in global crises... i know that i am not aware enough of the 'real' absurdities of mankind --- of the filipinos at least --- to judge them... but come on, do not try to go on brandishing AB JOURNALISM in your diploma if you are to take the safe seat avoiding political and societal disturbances... take something else instead... sorry i'd been so harsh... oh no!!! i sound like those know-it-all of the country's burden... really i must admit these guys are applaudable for their concern but so much for overrating your involvement in the matter... sometimes you guys just push way beyond the verge... little do you notice that you are overdoing it and just lose the core of your point...

in a jiffy

2006-04-25T12:23:00.001+08:00

just saw a shooting star this night, 8.49pm to be exact, and it gave a sudden rush of excitement and an air of serenity... can't help thinking of a piece to scribble... it's a rare sight and and hardly anyone eludes its perplexing mystery... but then again the disease in me starts to pump up and it pains me a lot... transfiguring this moment into literature is a thing i have always wished i could regain... guess what i wished for... world peace... yeah...

ay sus naku!!!

2006-04-22T12:08:00.001+08:00

kanina umaga ginising ako ni daddy at sobrang tamad na tamad na ako lumuwas... ang naging motivation ko na lang para dumilat ay ang show announcement ngayon... maayos naman ang nakatabi ko sa fx dahil tulog siya at hindi malikot, kasi sa araw araw lagi akong bad trip sa biyahe...

as i was always saying, late na naman ako kanina... wehehehehe sabi ni ate me-ann 10am mag-meet dumating ako ng 10.30am, sisihin niyo sa mga tago ng tago na fx drivers...

akala ko this day is going to be a fine one kasi walang bwisit sa fx... nagkamali ako... alam na yun ni adie... hanggang 1pm nanlulumo ako...

nagkaroon ng GA ng 1.30pm... show announcement... akala ko mamamatay na ako dahil sa trafficking na yata ako mapupunta... sinabi ni ate nica mga shows na nawala at na-retain... ang magiging progress at visions for the shows... sabi ni ate nica yung in-depth saw mas palalakasin dahil doon nai-identify ang TomCaT... ang tomcat news update ay magiging araw araw... ang jumpstart tulad ng crossfire ay for the second semester lang... sinabi na ang staff line up for each show... napunta ako sa in-depth which is great... sabi ko kay vera, "kalkalan na ito ng lipunan!"... si ate daph ang aming executive producer na sa kasalukuyan ay nagluluksa sa pagka-abolish ng thom chron... at dahil mas palalakasin ang in-depth, nagkaroon ng dalawang working groups at show namin... sa first group si ate karla ang assistant producer, myka and weng ang staff... media literacy... sa second group yours truly ang attitude problem --- AP wehehehe --- ate monica at kuya ian ang staff... national/environmental issues... ahay ngaragzzz... iniisip ko tuloy nahihiya ako mag-assign ng tasks sa mas matanda sa akin... pero kailangan maging professional... woohoo!!! makakagawa na ako ng mga dokyu!!!

**karagdagan** sabi ni ate daph mas maganda kung ang gagamitin namin sa in-depth ay filipino... naisip ko bigla, oo nga mas maganda yun... bakit hindi... minsan akala ng mga taong nakakapagsulat sa ingles ay napaka-superior na nila at ang mga gumagamit ng filipino ay hindi tulad nila... napagtanto ko na tama, mas mailalabas ang damdamin sa sariling wika... ngunit hindi rin naman dapat balewalain ang ingles... sabi nga ni ma'am tuble, " write to express and not to impress"...

ang saya

2006-04-20T13:47:00.001+08:00

ahay... grabe... late na ako nakarating ng uste at nakakahiya na sa groupmates ko... pagdating ko sa office sila nico at ate me-ann pa lang andun, wehehehe nahihiya ako kay ate me-ann kasi masyado siya tahimik kaya si nico lang muna dinaldal ko... isipin mo, gagawa kami ng valued ads na lahat ay tigbak (o mee gosch!!!), ang hirap pa maghanap ng bata... 11am na dumating si ate karla, ang hirap pa mag-shoot sa pantry kasi mukhang home video pag walang redhead... nag-lunch na at wala pa rin kami nagawa...

at naisipan kong sa benavidez sila papuntahin para di makatunog si *toot*, at dahil alam kong napaka-progressive na ibang groups sa value ad, mga 20 minutes akong nakabilad si ilalim nang tanghaling araw habang minamasdan ang inaamag na rebulto ni Benavidez... naunang dumating si adie sumunod sila francine, ate van, ate ivy, vera, nico, kuya myers at pinasunod ni adie sila weng at jean... asar di dumating sila kuya jed nung monday kaya naisip ko hindi talaga sila makakapunta ngayon...

ayun nagpunta na kami sa sm san lazaro at dahil spoiled sa akin si ate van (*wink*) sa chef d' angelo ko sila dinala... pagpunta namin dun wala masyado tao... naupo na kami kaya lang wala sila ate van at ate ivy nag-cr daw... e nahiya na ako sa mga tao sa resto kaya nag-order na kami... after lang minutes dumating na sla at biglang kumanta ng happy birthday, may dala silang cake! natuwa ako... gusto ko umiyak kaya lang pinigilan ko kasi sisipunin lang ako pero sobrang touched ako di ko inisip na gagawin pa nila yun... kaya lang nahiya ako kasi alam ko kulang pa yung mga pagkain para tapatan lahat ng ginawa nila sa buhay ko...

pagkatapos nun nagpa-pic kami... wahahahahaha... halos di na nga kami nakabalik sa TomCaT... ang saya pero mas masaya kung kumpleto... lalagay ko na lang yung pics ha...

sa inyo na nakasama ko sa bago kong buhay, alam niyo naman kung ano ang mga hinananakit ko sa sarili at sa mga tao pero tinanggap niyo pa rin ako at masaya akong naging bahagi kayo ng bagong ako

----- salamat dahil tinulungan ninyo akong hanapin ang sarili ko...

stuck at seventeen

2006-04-13T04:47:00.001+08:00

turning 18 can be really nasty... especially when it's in season with the heat, humidity and humdrum of mid-April... since i was in elementary, i have sketched out my master plan of escaping the oh-so-ooh-lala 18-candles-18-roses-18-bums party most little girls dream about --- rushing to grow some boobs and butts and snag guys... with my best Chum alongside me (i really miss her) crackling and goofing about those stuffs, i was more determined to shake it off the blueprint of my existence... cajoling about the persistent irritation over the idea, i forewarned my parents that i will not involve myself in such... they are to buy me things i fancy instead... isn't that great? (insert wicked laughter)...

when too much is never enough

2006-04-11T13:43:00.001+08:00

it was a matter of commitment and dedication, yet the efforts seem not to pay off... countless days --- that coalesce into nights --- of hard work and surrender to responsiblity were simply put to waste... shouldering tasks intended for others in order to compensate for their arguably 'unknowing' neglection for these was merely sidestepped like an insignificant shrub of no considerable use... willingness and enthusiasm are not anymore and anyhow the meters of performing with the entirety of your self; these things are often taken for granted and what only seem to be of importance are extroversion and hokum hyperactivity... end up saying, what a squander of energy.

when dusk touches the horizon, placid rest of the tired yet fulfilled psyche in the twilight creeps within, knowing that all was given... but then, the dawn morbidly greets the soul that everything was, in contary, unrecognized and unappreciated... so much for giving all you can to be of help, no one seems to bother noticing anyway...

all does not equate everything.

just about anything

2006-03-30T20:13:00.001+08:00

it's summer and i can't help being lazy... just finished a great deal of book and it really shook my nerves knowing that i didn't do well in my logic class... the book i'm talking about is the 2nd installment of the greatest fiction detective Sherlock Holmes... yeah i know it's been almost a year since i first read it but what can i do? i'm so busy i can't find time to finish it off? thing is, i wasn't able to take a keen heed to Mr. Holmes' sleek and remarkable ways of getting through a case and put it into use in logic...

i'm loving the heat... it makes me pig out more and recover from a year's strenuous undertakings that cost me tons of my weight (and my wits as well)
my writer's block still gets hold of me... i can't write same way i did in my so called glorious high school days... i'd feel sudden fits of paroxysm at the thought of not being able to write well or in pari passu with my soon-to-be colleagues in the field... i hate being useless and not being able to write the way i want to only doubles the pain... that's why i started on with a blog, hoping this will be a panacea for this stubborn dilemma... i've been too crabby about this writer's block and i just wanted to think it's all in my head... yeah it's right within my head and it's eating up the whole of me and my future as a writer... how do i get rid of this?

kasiyahan, ano yun?

2006-03-24T08:29:00.001+08:00

ang saya naman... tapos na ang first year college... naka-survive kaya ako? kanina pagkatapos ng finals sa eco (na di ko inasahang puro graph) nagpaalam na kaming magkakaklase. marami ang uber emotional kasi may mga maglilipat ------- lipat course, lipat college, lipat school, lipat buhay... naisip ko hindi naman ako malulungkot kasi konti lang ang talagang nagtiyagang makipag-usap sa akin... (ganun naman ako kahit dati pa, i'd isolate myself from others for fear of being rejected and neglected) sanay na ako sa nagpapaalam dahil kahit kelan walang tumagal na kasama ko (hoi!!! hindi dahil di nila matagalan ugali ko, mabait yata toh!) walang nagtatagal kasi laging ang mga taong napapamahal sa akin, sila yung kailangang umalis para magtuloy sa buhay... sino ba ako para pigilan sila? sanay na ako na iniiwan at nag-iisa kaya pag may ganitong paalamanan hindi na ako emotional, i think my heart has turned stone cold and i reckon tears won't melt it into something alive and warm again) wala na akong kapasidad lumuha, matagal ko nang kinalimutan na may ganun akong kakayahan... you may see me cry but the tears are not of longing... it's more of hatred and pain, it's more of loathing and anger towards people who simply can't appreciate me and see through me.

i'm hating the world. wala kang magagawa ganito ako e.

i hate dumb slackers!!!

2006-03-18T12:15:00.000+08:00

langya!!!!!!!!! bakit may taong di marunong mag-appreciate at nuknukan ng tamad???!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigawan ba naman ako ng "so cause of delay pala ako?" e oo naman no? sinimulan ko na yung project last friday para bago mag 17 ok na, e di ka pa nagsusubmit ng kahit anong contribution mo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ikaw pa may ganang magalit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hay, ayoko lang ng away kaya di kita sinagot... di ko alam kung ano problema mo pero sana sinabi mo na sa kin agad kung di mo kaya para di ako umasa.

okei, aus!!!

2006-02-08T07:30:00.000+08:00

at last may blog na ako! itong infliction version gawa ni adie, pero yung mga susunod ako na bahala kaya tenkyutenkyu!!! under construction pa e... hihi di kasi ako masyado marunong sa mga ganito...